This was my internet dating username. People either got it (it’s not the end of the world bla bla) or not (“well, that’s not very positive?!” Actually it is and that response makes you an idiot, no winking for you Mister!). My tag line was ‘Diluted German with bone dry sense of humour’ – mmmh perhaps I should have left out the German bit. And the humour bit. Definitely not in the same sentence – must be a lie, right?

According the The Well Meaning People, it’s the only way I am going to meet someone. If it is, I will be single for the rest of my life, I am not doing it anymore. Here’s why. 

Selling yourself aka The Profile. Essay or list? Humorous or serious? Attempt at wit and self deprecation? Show off or hold back? Bit of everything? I have done all of those variations, but I am more than 2000 characters. Even put that. Read it and reread it a million times, not understanding why people did not respond to this gem of an advert. Match.com would have 62,000 people on at any one time. This did not make me feel any better when nobody winked back at me. I winked loads. Got RSI from the winking. Nada.  The winks I did get where from men with profile pictures of themselves in bed (????!!) or with profile pictures that did NOT match reality. Yes I did get that far. I did not hide my disappointment well but I persevered. He then decided after a month to go back to his wife. Thanks for that. 

Decided to go upmarket and left a bit. Guardian Soulmates and Ivory Towers (Dating for graduates. Read ‘idiots that can spell’. Or just idiots). Inappropriate suggestions from an A&E doctor (is Grey’s Anatomy real?!) and more bravery on my part and no cigar for them. Then there was My Single Friend where you ask your friends to write your profile for you. Only mine took so long to get round to it that my membership had run out. I did not renew it. 

An international site that I cannot remember the name of, did not have the facility to narrow down the geographic area of who could see your profile. Got lots of lovely compliments and invitations for dinner from Alabama and Massachusetts. Brilliant. 

So is it like skiing? Not for everyone? I found the whole process incredibly time consuming, emotionally draining and ultimately disappointing. I could not detach myself from it sufficiently. Someone did not ‘like’ me back – yes to me that’s personal. Just like it would be in a bar, you smile at someone and they don’t smile back. I also missed the ability of gradually observing someone from a distance. Be it at school, college, work, or at a friend’s BBQ. You have the opportunity to form an opinion about someone outside of the context of a date. There is no immediate question of ‘do I fancy him?’ You get to know them and possibly like them in an organic way, not this artificial hothousing that is internet dating. 

My choices are very limited (ok, nonexistent). My social circle is relatively static. So the next question is: Why do we need someone? Do we need someone? Is this need to be with a partner genetic or socially engineered?  Still looking for the answer. Will let you know when I find it.