The eternal question of why we need other people occupies my mind with somewhat alarming frequency. Mostly when travelling, although everyday living also sparks this reflection, whilst food shopping – not so much.
I am clearly not talking about friends (my generous Christmas presents ensure both loyalty and consistent number of posts filled) but companions, partners, soul mates, lovers, boyfriends (although due to my approaching middle age, boys are really no longer relevant or permissible). Someone. But not just anyone for the sake of someone. And therein lies the problem. I am not looking to fill a void. If that was the case, this would be easy. Because a void – a complete emptiness – could be filled with anything as there is a lack of shape and purpose because the space is so large and undefined and thus anything could fill it in part and nothing would ever fill it completely.
It is a sharing of thoughts, things, experiences, of problems and solutions, of ideas and excitement, of a life well and consciously lived and enjoyed. The sharing of a completeness attained through searching for and finding fulfilment. Personal, singular fulfilment which has everything to do with being happy in my own skin, with my own goals, with how I fight my battles, knowing my faults and weaknesses, knowing what I am good at and where I need to step back. And this need to share my life is felt so much more acutely now than when there was a void. Because now it’s brilliant and colourful and interesting and full and has meaning. And it stands there brightly, my life, all on its own and without the need for a pillar, a scaffold or a support of any kind.
And yet the tears come often. In the middle of breakfast, whilst walking through Vienna, appreciating the exquisite lace on a painting, eating wonderful food, looking at a view, reading something that makes you laugh out loud (I will not lol, here or anywhere!). It seems that even completeness is better shared. It is the inability to share that causes loneliness. This life could be even better. With the completeness of another. To challenge, enrich, widen, question, enhance, keep the bright lights shining when the power is somewhat depleted. Spare batteries? No. Rather two colours mixed to make something new. Prime colours are great. But hues are really interesting.